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Understanding the Real Idea of the Stoic Man

Society Expects Men to Be Stoic. Is It Good for Us, Bad for Us or a Little More Complicated?

July 21, 2025

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Having and showing emotions is part of being human.

However, even to this day, many guys think they must be stoic and always remain aloof and unemotional. But why has society expected men to be as stone-faced as statues?

While there are undoubtedly benefits to keeping calm when others are losing their heads, going too far and losing the ability to emote entirely can have serious negative consequences: being cut off from your own feelings can make it much harder to address internal struggles and can make it harder to form meaningful bonds with others, for instance.

In short, despite how cool people may find it when guys are stern-faced in face of serious situations, the ideal of the stoic man — at least as currently envisioned — may actually be harmful and counterproductive to your mental health.

But part of the problem is that modern stoicism bears little resemblance to the concept of stoicism that was first put forth by the ancient Greeks. Is there, in fact, a healthy modern-day version of stoicism that can help the men of today and tomorrow rather than hindering them? One that prizes rationality and control without going as far as demonizing emotion entirely?

In order to get a better understanding of stoicism and the role it plays in contemporary culture, AskMen spoke with a handful of therapists and thinkers. Here’s what they had to say:

Modern Masculinity & Stoicism

Want to be a man? A real man? A man’s man? A man in the mold of the great men of history? Well, a cursory glance at our cultural conceptions of masculinity suggests that you should start by trying to control your emotions.

The famous presidents and leaders of men from the past are typically revered for their mental fortitude, their courage, their resilience, their cunning under duress — in short, they’re respected for keeping their emotions under control rather than letting them run wild.

Guys today may feel pressured by such conceptions of manhood to keep their emotions wrapped up inside instead of letting them show, says Lachlan Brown, psychologist and founder of Hack Spirit. However, then a second problem arises: They are under-prepared to take the opposite tack and be their genuine emotional selves.

“The idea of the stoic man has created a skewed standard, where emotional expression is unfairly linked with weakness,” says Brown. “Men feel trapped, expected to embody resilience but without the tools to truly achieve it.”

It often feels like modern society expects men to fit inside a tiny box. While the ideals of emotional control and rationality are nice, they might not be attainable in every situation, and when guys feel pressured to act a certain way, it can negatively affect their mental health. How can modern men navigate these confusing signals?

“There’s an awful lot of pressure on men to come across as strong and unaffected, but this expectation can do real damage,” says Jessi Gholami, licensed PCIT therapist and dedicated clinical social worker. “It sends the message that showing emotion is weak or that asking for help isn’t something men should do. Over time, this kind of thinking can leave people feeling rather lost and disconnected from those around them.”

This trap is one of a handful of issues confronting the would-be stoic. For instance, in attempting to control their emotions, they may find themselves misunderstood by others who see them as uncaring, detached or indifferent about the most critical parts of their lives.

Or, they may see an unemotional facade and mistake it for a sign that everything is fine — when it may not be. But a would-be stoic might not feel able to ask for help from others — in their minds, independent men only need help from what they learned in their upbringing and teachings; reaching out for assistance is a no-go.

“If unchecked, this stoic perception leads to unintended consequences,” says Michael Anderson, MA, LPC, and clinical director at Healing Pines Recovery. “It enforces unrealistic standards for what is expected of a ‘real man.’ The ideal masculine man is viewed as one lacking emotional expression who drains all affection out of his being.”

“To throw away such liberating possibilities,” Anderson says, “many feel pressured to fit into one or the other categories, which hampers their emotional growth and deprives them of the pleasure of building deep love and relationships.”

How the Stoic Stereotype Came to Be

The tough, unemotional man may conjure up images of mid-20th century Americana, concepts like the ‘Marlboro man’ or the patriarch of the traditional ‘50s-era nuclear family. However, its roots stretch much further back in time — and across the Atlantic.

Stoicism originated in ancient Greece well over 2,000 years ago. One of the first formal settings was the Stoic school, dating from around 300 BCE in Athens. Zeno of Citium founded the institution after learning the ways of Plato and Socrates, and used it to teach students the principles of stoicism — attributes such as temperance and fortitude, named after the “Painted Porch” where he taught in Athens — in Greek, Stoa Poikilé.

These self-discipline ideas spread throughout Greece, and their popularity granted them staying power — the ideals of stoicism never fully died out, even going on to be integral to the Renaissance further West in Europe, well over a thousand years later.

However, the conception of stoicism that exists today may not line up with the ideals of its early adherents.

People who followed Zeno’s philosophy learned that emotional fortitude is essential regardless of the surrounding circumstances, aiming for stability despite the chaos around you. Stoics prioritized controlling their reactions and negative thoughts in good and bad times. In this way, the philosophy focuses on building strength — though it’s not always visible from the outside.

Since its ancient Greek inception, the popularity of stoicism has risen and fallen many times, though it appears to have carved itself a lasting place in Western society. For instance, neostoicism became prominent during the Renaissance thanks to its espousal by Justus Lipsius and other thought leaders of the time.

In the 21st century, this philosophy has returned in the form of modern stoicism, an approach that adapts centuries-old schools of thought for contemporary use. However, the application has differed from the original approach of stoicism in a variety of ways.

The world facing contemporary men is radically different from the one Zeno was living in, for starters. And messages approaching modern stoic teachings are as often spread by fictional characters in movies, TV shows and advertisements as they are real people.

From that perspective, it’s no wonder we’ve been absorbing a skewed portrayal that focuses on how things look rather than how they feel.

Why the Stoic Stereotype Can Be Harmful

Part of the issue regarding male emotions is the fact that people can be scared of emotional men — of loud outbursts or intense physical movements. Acting under the influence of their feelings, they may be perceived by some as out-of-control and needing to rein themselves in.

On the other hand, some guys who feel themselves drawn to the stoic mode may feel pressure to keep their emotions inside because they fear that outward expression shows weakness. If you’re reserved and show fortitude, the logic goes, you can build a wall inside yourself and protect yourself from the world.

There’s an obvious appeal to this approach considering how unpredictable life can be: One never knows when an unforeseen tragedy might strike. Having an emotional barrier can feel like driving in a car with a roll cage, air bags and seat-belts — you’re prepared for anything.

Whatever the reasons for pursuing a less-emotional approach, existing research on emotional health strongly suggests that conforming to the narrow, stereotypical perception of the stoic man can harm your physical and mental health in the long run. Despite the apparent value of always seeming cool, calm and collected, always bottling up your emotions can actually be subtly harmful in different ways.

That’s because, while emotions like sadness, grief, shock and anger may not be pleasant, they’re normal, healthy responses to unpleasant situations. However much it may feel smart in the short-term, cutting off your ability to feel won’t protect you from the bad things that occur in the world around you — but it will damage your ability to process these things.

So what do the potential harms of stoicism actually look like?

Harmful for Your Personal Relationships

Hewing too closely to this modern idea of stoicism can negatively impact your relationships with other people, for starters.

Though we’re far from many of the narrow conceptions of masculinity embraced in the 20th century, these days, lots of people still have a warped perception of masculinity, still believing that men should deal with their problems by engaging in stereotypically masculine behaviors like chopping wood or going to the gym.

“This unfortunate narrow view of masculinity also affects how society deals with emotions in general,” Gholami says. “Men are less likely to reach out for support or talk about what’s bothering them, which puts unnecessary strain on their relationships.”

“Partners can feel totally shut out, and friendships may struggle,” she explains.

This is something men could stand to learn from female friendships — closeness flourishes when you’re capable of sharing your feelings. Only ever talking about fun things or always keeping it light may feel easier, but it won’t lead to friendships that are built to weather difficult times.

Conversely, vulnerability builds deeper bonds with friends and family members. Once somebody understands your struggles, they may be more likely to offer helpful advice and guidance in the future.

As such, preferring modern stoicism to emotional openness can also lead to another awful outcome that plagues far too many men these days — loneliness.

Though they typically have less practice — and thus less comfort with talking about the things they’re struggling with — than women, men are also capable of opening up, and men can also reap the rewards from doing so.

Shutting out people who want to help you isn’t the answer, nor is avoiding situations where you might have to feel vulnerable. Paradoxically, showing your weaknesses is a form of strength — because you’re being brave enough to put them on display.

If you never discuss what’s bothering you, however, you’re missing out not only on the therapeutic properties of talking through your feelings with others, but also on how their perspectives might be able to help you resolve your issues.

But the negative consequences of not opening up go much further than that, unfortunately.

Harmful for Your Mental Health

Since the state of our friendships and relationships play a big role in how we feel at any given time, the implications of miscast modern stoicism can also affect men’s mental health in a big way.

Wearing a form of psychological mask is taxing — you can only keep it up for so long when trying to fit somebody else’s expectations. Eventually, the cover will slip and your true feelings will reveal themselves — often more intensely than had you not tried to disguise them in the first place.

Essentially, guys who suppress their feelings are running the risk of subjecting themselves to exacerbated mental health concerns in the short and long run, especially for men who don’t seek any treatment.

Guys who think everything is fine may continue molding themselves to fit stoic expectations, despite the well-known and extensively studied benefits of speaking to mental health professionals.

For instance, experts say 80% to 90% of patients who received depression treatment saw mood improvements, so it’s worth the effort.

Society’s perception of stoicism has meant that suppressing emotions has seemed more important than understanding and controlling them for many guys in recent decades.

Instead, Brown says you should try to approach situations with thoughtfulness rather than trying to avoid them altogether.

“Sometimes people equate [stoicism with] suppressing emotions, but I understand it as mastering emotions,” he says. “The harm comes when men are told they must ignore emotions to be strong, rather than acknowledging and processing them thoughtfully.”

Ultimately, Brown says, “Real stoicism encourages emotional intelligence, not denial.”

Reinterpreting Stoicism for the 21st Century

So what could things look like instead of these rigid ideas of masculinity? Maybe it’s time we rejected the 20th-century ideal of the stone-faced, unemotional man for something that hews closer to the original ideas of stoicism.

Greek philosophers emphasized the importance of temperance and fortitude — not complete enclosure. The true meaning of stoicism is based on self-control, not the complete annihilation of emotion. Working to achieve a more balanced self, where you’re capable of being vulnerable, but also put in effort to not let your emotions control you completely, can help you bring out the best in yourself.

“What helps is creating a culture where emotions aren’t seen as a problem,” Gholami says. “Men need to know that it’s absolutely OK to feel things and to share those feelings without fear of judgment.

“Teaching boys early on that it’s normal to cry or talk about their struggles can help break the cycle,” she adds. “For neurodivergent men, it’s important to build environments where their way of expressing themselves is accepted and understood.”

Part of the change will mean society needs to change the way it responds to displays of male emotion. Normalizing feelings like grief, anxiety, joy and regret for men will mean that guys don’t have to fear mockery or retribution for expressing the full range of human emotion.

Lots of men might also benefit from exploring the roots of stoicism in the teachings of Zeno and Socrates, as well as the insights of modern stoics who use ancient philosophies as inspiration. Once you understand the true principles of stoicism, you can put these words into action.

For one, meditation is an excellent outlet for controlling your emotions instead of confining them, as seen by its numerous psychological benefits. For instance, a 2022 International Journal of Yoga study concluded that mantra meditation relieves stress and positively influences quality of life.

Furthermore, engaging in some form of therapy — whether cognitive behavioral therapy, dialectical behavior therapy, group therapy, or another kind — can lead to significantly increased insight into one’s feelings and emotional patterns and triggers, which can go a long way towards allowing you to regulate your feelings rather than tamping them down and suppressing them.

If you want to explore, understand and harness your feelings rather than trying to bury them until they consume you, you’re far from alone. The affirmation you can get from talking through these things with trusted friends or loved ones can be genuinely life-changing.

Stoicism has existed for millennia and has shaped how men think. It’s a philosophy that enables guys to learn emotional intelligence and self-control. However, modern perceptions of stoicism have shifted the meaning to favor confinement and unavailability.

The future of male mental health depends on our efforts to take back the narrative. Men should learn that true stoicism can be fruitful if it makes them happy — not if it makes them look tough.

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