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How Being Realistic About Your Own Flaws Can Help You Grow

Have You Taken an Honest Look at Yourself in the Mirror Lately? Here's What It Can Do for You

October 10, 2025

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Being honest with yourself about yourself is hard f*cking work.

Anyone who says otherwise has yet to dive into the deep, dark waters of self, down past the happy feelings and egoic projections, and into the muck and matter that comprises the things about ourselves we generally avoid looking at.

That, my friends, is difficult.

As humans, we’re averse to pain. Consciously or unconsciously, we strive to protect our happiness at all costs and reject or oppose that which causes us discomfort.

But looking at one’s self objectively without the rose-colored lenses, unfiltered and honest, naked to our flaws, is something that, if accomplished, can be the kind of painful experience that’s also one of the most profound.

As of writing this, I was set to pen a piece around the strategies we can employ to make the process of looking at (and owning) our shortcomings easier and more rewarding.

But upon embarking on the journey, I was struck by the realization that my attention was being drawn to my own perceived shortcomings with respect to writing, suggesting that even the act of thinking about your personal shortcomings can be the first step toward greater awareness around them.

This piece, therefore, doesn’t so much explore why looking at your shortcomings is rewarding, rather it’s a piece designed to provide tools that can help us differentiate between self-perceived “flaws” in our mind versus legitimate areas for improvement, and how that processes is ultimately one gateway to leading a more fulfilling life.

Overcoming Our Resistance to Ourselves

To overcome our resistance to the pain of looking at ourselves objectively, we must first understand where the resistance comes from.

According to Lorin Krenn, author and men’s coach, the resistance to looking at self lies in men’s fear of losing their sense of worth.

“Many men confuse their identity with their performance, their image, or their ability to hold it together,” Krenn says. “To admit shortcomings feels like failure, when in truth, it is the beginning of authentic strength.”

This initial conception, says Krenn, is all about “controlling an image, which is the performance, and when one drops the control — the performance — a deeper insecurity is revealed. Working with that is what makes a man whole.”

The “performance” is really the ego, and the ego wants to tell us we have no flaws, that we’re superior human beings. So to push beyond the ego would be to incur a kind of “ego death,” which although extremely painful, can birth greater self awareness by working through it.

“Ego and pride are the number one reasons why men have a hard time admitting their flaws,” says Craig French, mindfulness and mindset coach. “When you’re so attached to your ego, it’s painful to admit when you’re wrong.”

“Men in particular,” French says, are often made to think they “need to have all the answers all the time, and if they don’t, they must be worthless. These are false narratives that keep men confined to a box of societal norms and expectations that are not healthy or useful.”

If most men are afraid of confronting their flaws, their inaction only helps further proliferate the false narrative that they shouldn’t admit them… further normalizing that looking at oneself is “scary,” which is why we need to do something different, and normalize confronting our faults as a safe and viable path.

Self-Perceived Shortcomings vs. Actual Shortcomings

Once we’ve identified the root of our resistance and prepped ourselves for the battle within, we then need to differentiate between our actual shortcomings and insecurities we believe are shortcomings.

Sometimes it’s hard to differentiate between the two, which is why the task of looking at ourselves objectively can often seem like a more arduous task than it needs to be.

To evaluate whether or not a certain trait, behavior, or attribute is a shortcoming or a self-perceived insecurity, one must simply reflect if they’ve received feedback from the outside world on the element in question, or if the insecurity lives exclusively in their mind.

“Self-perceived shortcomings are false narratives or cognitive distortions that a man may have,” French said. “These are not facts but feelings, and feelings are not facts.”

That’s a key differentiator. How we feel about our shortcomings is one thing, but if we feel a certain way about ourselves, that alone is not necessarily a flaw or an area for improvement.

“Actual shortcomings can be proved and quantified by data and evidence,” French continued. “It is important to check yourself on these false narratives before they become a negative influence on your life and relationships.”

For Krenn, most false narratives come from shame and comparison: believing that you’re inadequate because you don’t match a cultural standard.

“Actual shortcomings are behaviors or patterns that harm you or others, such as a lack of integrity, unreliability, or dishonesty,” Krenn says.

“The difference is simple,” he explains. “Self-perceived shortcomings keep you stuck in your head, while actual shortcomings reveal themselves in your relationships and in the way you show up in life. Men can tell the difference by asking, ‘Does this limitation exist only in my thoughts, or does it actually impact those around me?’"

A great example of this difference exists in men who obsess over (what they perceive) is possessing a smaller-than-average penis or men who feel judged for still owning their virginity as adults.

In both scenarios, men are experiencing fear of judgment from others, and without awareness around this fear in their minds, it might be misinterpreted as a flaw that others can also perceive.

“I'd recommend asking around for feedback about your self-perceived insecurities,” said Suzannah Weiss, psychotherapist and resident sexologist for Fleshy. “Your friends might say, ‘I have no idea what you're talking about,’ or they might understand why you're insecure and suggest how you can work on it or even work with it.”

“If it feels too vulnerable to talk to your friends, talk to a therapist or another professional first, Weiss suggests. “Know that ultimately, the truth will set you free — meaning, even if you are, say, at a disadvantage because of your build or your penis size, you can learn how to work with what you have and perhaps even open your mind to judging potential partners less superficially since you don't want to be judged that way either.”

Releasing Blockages: A New Way Forward

When it comes to winning the battle of self vs. egoic self, the key ingredient is honesty.

Being honest with yourself, no matter how painful or difficult, is the guiding light. With this honesty, a man can formulate an accurate baseline of where he is currently and how he’s actually showing up in the world, both in a “positive” and “negative” context. But he cannot do this accurately if he isn't first honest with himself.

Because honesty is the way through. Being honest with yourself isn’t a punishment, rather it’s the key to liberating yourself from yourself.

"The first step is radical honesty with oneself,” Krenn said. “Not as a form of self-attack, but as an act of love. Sit with the uncomfortable truths — where you are hiding, where you are avoiding, where you are falling short.”

Then, Krenn says, “commit to taking one aligned action to shift it. Insecurities dissolve when we stop running from them and choose to face them head-on. True growth begins when a man can say, ‘This is where I am. This is where I am not showing up. And this is where I choose to rise.’”

French suggests it might be helpful for men to utilize meditation as a way to gain clarity around where they currently are and how they feel about their current life path.

“By simply sitting still and silent on a regular, consistent basis, your preconceived notions, false opinions, and mental constructions all begin to drop away, slowly but surely,” French says.

“Once that begins to happen,” he explains, “you’re left with your true, authentic self, before all the labels and expectations. This is by no means an easy process and it does require patience and commitment to the practice, but the result is a more aligned life.”

So buy the ticket, take the ride, and roll up your sleeves for an adventure of self-discovery: one that will illuminate your faults, but also a beautiful new path emerging from the acknowledgement of self.

By sitting with the humble truth of where you currently are in life, how you got there and where you’d like to go, you’re opening yourself to a new pathway — one that contains more peace and less resistance — simply because you were daring enough to be honest with yourself.

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