AskFemme: Does Watching Porn Count as Cheating?
She Thinks Watching Porn Is Cheating. I Disagree. What Should I Do?
Welcome to AskFemme, AskMen’s sex column that’s all about demystifying female desire. My name is Sophie Saint Thomas, and I’m going to be answering all your sex questions — because for all the men who sleep with women, the best advice for getting better in bed is going to come from a woman. I will do my best to be nice, but one thing I won’t be is dishonest. Women still aren’t having enough orgasms, and men still seem super confused about that, so the point of this column is to help bridge that gap with some genuine openness and clarity about the nitty-gritty of sex.
The Question:
“Dear AskFemme,
She (my partner) thinks watching porn is cheating. I disagree. What should I do? - Kevin, 38
The Answer:
Dear Kevin,
This one is really tough. I’ll say it right off the bat, I think you’re right, and she’s wrong.
Of course, the more politically correct answer is that everyone is entitled to their boundaries and entitled to decide what cheating means to them.
But I think that telling a partner not to watch porn, and trying to cut that out of their life, can actually be a really good way to help them actually cheat, in real life, with flesh and blood sex with another human.
Porn stars are real, complex people, of course, but at the end of the day, you’re watching a movie, not touching or emotionally interacting with anyone.
What a lot of people don’t realize is that they owe the sex workers of the world, in particular, porn stars and creators, massive thanks for keeping marriages and long-term relationships alive.
The need for sexual release is simply a part of having a human body. And it’s unrealistic and way more problematic to expect your partner to take care of it every time by having sex with them. If you started pestering her for sex every single time you felt horny, I imagine you’d have way more problems.
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Masturbating has a bad reputation because of a mistranslation of a several-thousand-year-old Bible verse that has permeated every facet of society, even if people don’t realize it. (If you care, the spilling of the seed thing was more about inheritance laws, rather than saying people shouldn’t jerk off). But back to the present.
By watching porn and jerking off, you’re satisfying this human need without putting unfair sexual pressure on your partner or stepping outside the relationship. I get that your partner thinks that watching porn counts because you’re having a sexual experience without them there, but at the end of the day, you’re just watching a screen, and the performers you’re watching don’t know you exist.
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There’s no physical touch, there’s no emotional connection, you’re not harming her, and you’re not harming another person outside of your relationship. Presuming you’re watching porn of consenting adults, there’s really no harm involved at all. You’re probably just jerking off to help you sleep better at night.
Of course, the ideal outcome of this is that you could explain this all to your partner, and communicate, and get her to understand why you watch porn, and the fact there’s nothing wrong with it. If you think that’s at all possible, please, go ahead and try. You might even end up watching porn together.
But there’s also a chance that it won’t go the way you’d like it to go. Maybe you’ve already had that conversation, but if you haven’t, if you tell her how watching porn offers a needed sexual release, to keep you from pestering her too much, or having sex with someone else, it may very well lead to a nasty fight and blow up in your face.
If you go to couples counseling to try and work on it, that could help you find a resolution, and it could help you reorient each other’s understanding of sex, but there are no guarantees. And unless you have good insurance, it could cost a lot.
You could end the relationship and find someone who is a little more understanding, but if you genuinely love and care about this person, you probably don’t want the relationship to end, or else you wouldn’t be seeking out guidance on how to maintain it.
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As a result, my advice, if you genuinely think you don’t have a chance of winning this debate, is to keep watching porn and just not tell her.
I know what you’re thinking. Bad! Lying to a partner! Secrets! Right? Well, ideally, you won’t lie to her about it. You just won’t really tell her, and do it quietly, discreetly, on an incognito browser when you’re alone.
Before people come at me for suggesting that you lie to your partner, I want to say that in relationships, you’re still allowed privacy. You’re still allowed to be yourself.
The idea that you need to tell your partner absolutely everything, down to the dirty details about when you jerk off, to me is downright absurd. I actually don’t think it’s really any of her business! It’s like expecting you to tell her when you take a crap. It’s a basic human bodily function that you’re entitled to.
So please keep watching porn and jerking off, and just remind yourself that you’re a grown man entitled to enjoy your bodily functions with privacy.
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If she asks you about porn, say something like, “I’m sorry I hurt you with that. I love and appreciate you so much. Let’s go out to dinner.” Then really take her out on an amazing date and f*ck her brains out afterwards.
Instead of fighting a battle you can’t win with the porn thing, just do it in private, and make her feel better through acts of love. Good luck!
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